EVERY~ONE WANTS 2 B A COMEDIAN

MAN

2006-12-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

The Way's of Men:
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR
BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they
vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS
THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A
TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart......
Then you are just an old sour fart.

2006-09-20T18:25:00.000-05:00

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting
their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a
low-cut blouse that revealed a Beautiful rose
tattooed on one boob.
> >>> >
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor
thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll
have a long-stemmed rose In a hanging basket!"

Patience My Azz-------------We Wanna KILL Something!

2006-07-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

Riddle Me Silly~

2006-07-12T07:45:00.000-05:00

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock!

There was a little girl
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels,
a waterfront condo, and a sports car,
should I go on......???

2006-07-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

The other day,
I had to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours,
I went to the Army-Navy store,
bought some OD pants and a shirt.

I sewed on a couple of patches
'which I grabbed from the internet.'

It was amazing
how many people left
as I walked in.
I guess they suddenly decided
they weren't that sick after all.
Here is the patch ~~~

you can sew it on your clothing
if you are in need
of quicker emergency service!!!

The 70's...

2006-06-05T07:26:00.000-05:00

Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo
on the same cutting Board with the same knife and
no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.
********************
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter...
AND I used to eat a bite raw Sometimes, too.
********************
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper,
in a brown paper bag, ... Not in icepack coolers,
but I can't remember anybody getting e-coli.
********************
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming
in the lake, instead of a pristine pool-
No beach closures then.
********************
The term cell phone would have conjured up
a phone in a jail cell, and a pager,
was the school PA system.
********************
We all took gym, not PE... And
risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top Ked's (only worn in gym), instead of
having cross-training athletic shoes with
air cushion soles, and built-in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they
must have happened, because they tell us
how much safer we are now....
********************
Flunking gym was not an option...
Even for stupid's! I guess PE must be
much harder than gym....
********************
Speaking of school, we all said prayers
and sang the National Anthem,
and staying in detention after school...
caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
********************
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat
and everything, and she could even give
you an aspirin for a headache or fever!
********************
I thought that I was supposed to
accomplish something, before I was allowed
to be proud of myself.
********************
I just can't recall how bored we were
without computers, Play Station, Nintendo,
X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations!
********************
Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl
and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting?
I could have been killed!
********************
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of
gravel left on vacant Construction sites,
and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out
the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome
(kids liked it better because it didn't sting
like iodine did), and then we got our
butt spanked! Now it 's a trip to the
emergency room, followed by a
10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
and then Mom calls the attorney to sue
the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious
pile of gravel where it was such a threat!
********************
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either,
because if we did, we got our butt spanked there,
and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
********************
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door
coming over and doing his tricks on the
front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she could
have owned our house. Instead,
she picked him up and swatted him for
being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
********************
To top it off, not a single person I knew
had ever been told that They were from a
"dysfunctional family". How could we possibly
have Known that we needed to get into
group therapy and anger management classes?
********************
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills,
that we Didn't even notice that the entire country
wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA,
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T----
SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life". -John F. Kennedy

SAY WHAT???

2006-05-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

Next time you think your
hotel bill is 2 high U
might want 2 consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car
from Key West 2 Boston.
After almost 24 hours on
the road, they're 2 tired 2 continue,
and they decide 2 stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel, and take a room,
but they only plan 2 sleep for 4 hours
and then get back on the road.
When they check out 4 hours later,
the desk clerk hands them a bill
for -------->$350.
The man explodes and demands
2 know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel,
the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the
standard rate, the man insists on speaking
2 the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens 2 the man,
and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband
and wife 2 use.
"But we didn't use them!,"
the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have,"
explains the Manager. He goes on 2 explain
U could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best
entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here,"
the Manager says.
"But we didn't go 2 any of those shows,"
complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have,"
the Manager replies. No matter what facility
the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually
the man gives up and agrees 2 pay. He writes
a check and gives it 2 the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only
made out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man.
"I charged you $300 for
sleeping with my wife."
"BUT-I DIDN'T
SLEEP WITH U'R WIFE!"
exclaims the Manager.
"WELL 2 BAD!!!," the man replies.
"She was here
and U COULD HAVE!!!"

7:46 P.M. :

2006-05-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash
The Associated Press reports that New York
Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped
injury in the aircraft that she was piloting
when she was forced to make an
emergency landing in Southern
New Jersey because of bad weather.
National Transportation Safety Board officials
have issued a preliminary determination that
pilot error contributed to the accident, and that
the senator was flying a single engine aircraft
in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while
only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to
insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground
was injured. Photograph below taken at the scene
shows the extent of damage to
Senator Clinton's aircraft.
She was very lucky.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The Polite Way 2 Excuse U'rself-

2006-05-05T07:44:00.000-05:00

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."The teacher fainted.

ROCK of AGES...

2006-04-26T09:19:00.000-05:00

TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad,
........don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. T
........hey always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just
.......yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
.........not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food.
......... I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder
.........what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
........from a rocking chair
............that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
.......but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age,
.......but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is ...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 16 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is ... having money.
At age 50 success is ... having money.
At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... having friends.
At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

The Very 1st. EVER-->Blonde GUY Joke

2006-04-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

A REDHEAD, a BRUNETTE and a
BLONDE Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building. They were eating lunch and
the REDHEAD said, "Corned beef and cabbage,
If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off this building."
The BRUNETTE opened his lunch box
and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too."
The BLONDE opened his lunch and said,
" Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich
one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the REDHEAD opened
his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage,
and jumped to his death!
The BRUNETTE opened his lunch,
saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The BLONDE guy opened his lunch,
saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well!!!
At the funeral, the REDHEAD's wife
was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of
corned beef and cabbage,
I never would have given it to him again!"
The BRUNETTE's wife also wept and said,
"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the BLONDE's wife.
The BLONDE's wife said,
"Don't look at me,
HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH!!!

TEXAS DRINKING RULE~~~

2006-04-12T02:12:00.000-05:00

A Mexican drinks his beer

and suddenly

throws his glass in the air,

pulls out his pistol and

shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses

are so cheap we don't need to

drink from the same glass twice."

An Arab, obviously impressed by this,

drinks his beer,

throws his glass into the air,

pulls out his AK-47 and

shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much

sand to make glasses that we don't

need to drink out of

the same glass twice either."

The Texas cowboy,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up his beer and drinks it,

throws his glass into the air,

pulls out his pistol and shoots

the Mexican and the Iraqi,

and catches his glass.

He says,

"In America we have so many

illegal Mexicans and Arabs

that we don't have to drink

with the same ones twice!"

God Bless America

HOW 2 GET $50~~FREE ! ! !

2006-04-05T07:29:00.000-05:00

Hi there,
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As you may / may not know, I paid
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too and it is my biggest seller,
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( and besides I wanted a convenient
place to store the info.)
Lots of luck and best wishes,
FREE $50!
Hi There,"Thank you for answering my ad
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I know that success isn't for everyone and
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OK, time for a very quick lesson in
achieving succes!!!
Here's what it takes:
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Dirty 'Ol Man

2006-04-03T07:52:00.000-05:00

A male patient is lying
in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth
and nose, still
heavily sedated
from a difficult
four hour, surgical
procedure. A young
student nurse appears
to give him a
partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash
your upper body and feet." He struggles
to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving
them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her
and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely....
R - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

2006-03-30T08:29:00.000-05:00

HEALTH QUESTION

ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
.......can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,
....and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
....Everything wears out eventually.
...Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
...that's like saying you can extend the life of your car
...by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits
......and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
....What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
....And what are these? Vegetables.
....So a steak is nothing more than
.....an efficient mechanism
....of delivering vegetables to your system.
....Need grain? Eat chicken.
.....Beef is also a good source
...of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
...And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
...recommended daily allowance
....of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
...Brandy is distilled wine, that means
...they take the water out of the fruity bit
..so you get even more of the goodness that way.
...Beer is also made out of grain.~ Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat,
...your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,
....your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages
...of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
.....My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!...
...Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
...In fact, they're permeated in it.
..How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from
.....getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle,
...it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups
.....if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans!
..Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure,
..... explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
...Well, I hope this has cleared up
... any misconceptions you may have had
...about food and diets. And remember:
.."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
..with the intention of arriving safely
.. in an attractive and well preserved body,
...but rather to skid in sideways -
..Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
... body thoroughly used up,
... totally worn out and screaming
~~Whoo what a ride"!

How 2 Recalibrate U'r Mouse

2006-03-25T07:37:00.000-05:00

--->> (This actually works pretty well) <<---

To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S.

Then drag the S toward the e.

If it doesn't work,

you might want to clean your mouse.

Stop farting around and

go do something constructivE

2 FUNNY

2006-03-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

A man escapes from prison

where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house

to look for money and guns,

and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed

and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed

he gets on top of her,

kisses her neck,

then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there,

the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,

look at his clothes! He probably spent

lots of time in prison and hasn't

seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck.

"If he wants sex,

don't resist,

don't complain,

do whatever he tells you!

Satisfy him no matter

how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey.

I love you!"

To which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he's gay,

he thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline?

I told him it was in the bathroom!"

"Be strong honey.

I love you 2 !!!"

2006-03-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her
and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out,
but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
"Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for
a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked,
"Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,
my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning.
"He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--
she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked:
"What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my

deepest condolences!”

Choosing a Wife

2006-03-13T10:58:00.001-05:00

A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several
new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that
she has spent all the money on him because
she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests
the remainder in a joint account. She tells him
that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about
what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the

biggest boobs!
Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

The Next Survivor Series

2006-03-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

Six married men will be dropped on an island

with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take

music or dance classes. There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids;

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework, complete science projects,

cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend"

bills with not enough money. In addition,

each man will have to budget in money for

groceries--> each week. Each man must

remember the birthdays of all their friends and

relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a

doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment

and a haircut appointment. He must make one

unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child

to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening,

on a holiday or right when they're about to leave

for vacation). He must also make cookies or

cupcakes for a social function. Each man will be

responsible for decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside and keeping it

presentable at all times.The men will only have

access to television when the kids are asleep

and all chores are done. There is only one TV

between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the

words to every stupid song that comes on TV and

the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily,

which they will apply to themselves either while

driving or making three lunches. Each man will

have to make an Indian hut model with six

toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a

4 year old to eat a serving of peas. Each man must

adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet

stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and

eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get

through each day without snot, spit-up or

barf on their clothing. During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe abdominal

cramps, back aches, and have extreme

unexplained mood swings, but never once

complain or slow down from other duties.

They must try to explain what a tampon is for

when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church,

and find time at least once to spend the afternoon

at the park or a similar setting. He will need to

read a book and then pray with the children each

night without falling asleep, and then feed them,

dress them, brush their teeth and comb

their hair each morning by 7:00.

They must leave the home with no food

on their face or clothes. A test will be given

at the end of the six weeks, and each father

will be required to know all of the following

information: each child'sbirthday, height,

weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length,

time of birth, and length of labor, each child's

favorite color, middle name, favorite snack,

favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy,

biggest fear and what they want to be when

they grow up. They must clean up after their

sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the

remainder of the day tending to that child

and waiting on them- hand and foot- until

they are better. They must have a loving,

age appropriate reply to, "You're not the

boss of me". The kids vote them off the island

based on performance. The last man wins

only if...he still has enough energy to be

intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game

over and over and over again for the next

18-25 years...eventually earning the right

to be called Mother!

Little Tony:

2006-02-28T08:38:00.000-05:00

LITTLE TONY ON MATH:
Little TONY returns from school and says
he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6",
replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH:
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY,
that's a mouthful." Little TONY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR:
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT
the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly,
and I will allow you to go." Little TONY thinks for
a bit and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar,
the teacher asked for a show of hands from those
who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie,
who responded with, "My father bought my mother
a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called
on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful
banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said,
"Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER:
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a
man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived
to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your
grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he
minded his own fucking business!!!

2006-02-22T06:52:00.000-05:00

You know the world is going crazy
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want
to go to war and the three most
powerful men in America are
named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
Need I say more?

Doh!

2006-02-13T07:40:00.000-05:00

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday.
I be so glad this be my last
child support payment!
Month after month, year after year,
all those dang payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha,
to come to my house, and
when she get there, I say,
"Baby girl, I want you to take
this check over to yo momma house
and tell her this be the last check
she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back
and tell me the "spression
on yo mama's face."
So my baby girl she take the
check over to her. I be anxious to
hear what she say and
what she look like.
Baby girl walk through the door,
I say, "Now what yo momma say
'bout dat?"
She say to tell you -
"you ain't my daddy" ....
and watch the 'spression on yo face!

2006-02-08T15:07:00.000-05:00

I thought you would want to know

about this e-mail virus. Even the

most advanced programs from

Norton or McAfee cannot take

care of this one. It appears to

affect those who were born

prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the

same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a

blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail

to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back

to the person who sent it to

you. who, me?

5 Causes you to forget to

attach the attachment. well, darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND"

before you've finished. oh no-

not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE"

instead of "SEND."~~

and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND"

when you should "DELETE."

Oh, No!

IT'S CALLED

THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Target:

2006-02-05T20:07:00.000-05:00

Wasn't it Christmas that Target refused

to let the Salvation Army ring their bells

in front of their stores?

Dick Forrey of the Vietnam Veterans Association wrote:

"Recently we asked the local TARGET store

to be a proud sponsor of the

Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall

during our spring recognition event.
We received the following reply from

the local TARGET management:

" Veterans do not meet our area of giving.

We only donate to the arts, social action groups,

gay & lesbian causes, and education."

So I'm thinking, if the

Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall

and veterans in general,

do not meet their donation criteria,

then something is really wrong at this TARGET store.

We were not asking for thousands of dollars,

not even hundreds, just a small sponsorship

for a memorial remembrance. As a follow-up,

I e-mailed the TARGET U.S. Corporate Headquarters

and their response was the same.

That's their national policy. Then I looked

into the company further.

They will not allow the Marines to collect

for 'Toys for Tots' at any of their stores,

and during the recent Iraq deployment,

they would not allow families of employees

who were called up for active duty to

continue their insurance coverage while

they were on military service.

Then as I dig further, TARGETis a

French-owned corporation.

Now, I'm thinking again. If TARGET

cannot support American Veterans,

then why should my family and I

support their stores by spending our

hard earned American dollars!

And, have their profits sent to France.

Without the American Vets,

where would France be today?

"They, most likely would be speaking German

and trading in Deutsch Marks"

Sincerely,

Dick Forrey

Veterans Helping Veterans

Please Let TARGET know

we dont need them either !

2006-02-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

A very sexually active woman tells her
plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because
they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted
that the surgery be kept a secret and
the surgeon agreed. Awakening from
the anesthesia after the surgery she
found threeroses carefully placed beside
her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you
not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out
her wish for confidentiality and that the
first rose was from him: "I felt sad because
you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had had the
same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
“Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs
in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

COINCIDENCE???

2006-01-24T00:12:00.000-05:00

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died!

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died!

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry,
... please warn the Pope!!!

a Trip 2 the Doc's

2006-01-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only
measures 5'5". She then takes her blood pressure
and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

2006-01-17T08:16:00.000-05:00

BEAR WITH ME:
My husband (and I'm usin the term LOOSELY)

Got Mad at Me Sunday and DELETED

ALL OF MY FILES!!!

All my Pictures, links, and material 4 future
posts ARE GONE!!!
I tried EVERYTHING 2 retrieve them,
but failed miserably!
So, as a result, my upkeep has s-l-o-w-e-d
a little. I hope 2 b back up 2 speed by the
end of the week!
:"(

1905~CANADA

2006-01-11T13:03:00.000-05:00

One hundred years ago:

What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the CANADIAN statistics

for the Year 1905 :

The average life expectancy in Canada was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in Canada

had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Montreal to Toronto

cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and CANADA,

and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in Canada was 22 cents per hour.

The average Canadian worker made between $200

and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn

$2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,

and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in Canada

took place at home .

Ninety percent of all Canadian doctors

had no college education.

Instead, they attended

so-called medical schools, many of which

were condemned in the press and by the

government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month,

and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people

from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in 1905 were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea

hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 Canadian adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Canadians had graduated

from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine

were all available over the counter

at the local corner drug stores.

Back then pharmacist said,

"Heroin clears the complexion,

gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach

and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

(Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in Canada

had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

And I posted this via e-mail without typing it myself,

and U view it in a matter of seconds!

the PASSWORD is.....

2006-01-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer.
At the appropriate point in the process,
she told him that he would now have to enter a password,
something he could easily remember,
and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect
2 bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to
enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

..P
......E
.........N
.............I
................S

His wife fell off her chair laughing,
when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED -
NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

AZZICONS

2006-01-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

Need 2 describe U'r azz or
someone else's over the Internet,
but need it 2 b visual?
Well, how about some "azzicons"?

(_!_) A REGULAR AZZ

(__!__) A FAT AZZ

(__) (__) A "WIDE LOAD" AZZ

(!) A TIGHT AZZ

(_*_) A SORE AZZ

{_!_} A SWISHY AZZ

(_o_) AN AZZ THAT'S BEEN AROUND

(_O_) A PRISON AZZ

(_x_) KISS MY AZZ

(_X_) LEAVE MY AZZ ALONE!

(_z_) A TIRED AZZ

(_E=mc2_) A SMART AZZ

(_?_) A DUMB AZZ

(_Lame_) A LAME AZZ

(_Jack_) A JACKAZZ

(_-$_) A CHEAP AZZ

(_) A HALF-AZZ

(_)(__) A LOPSIDED AZZ

(_:_) A DOUBLE-HOLED AZZ

(MOM)(__) A TATTOOED AZZ

(_)(_) A FUDGED AZZ

()() AZZ PRINT ON WINDOW

( * * ) A DIMPLED AZZ

(_XX_) A KICKED AZZ

(_%_) AN AVERAGE AZZ

(_$_) A RICH AZZ

[_!_] A HARD AZZ

(o) AN AZZ HOLE

(O) A BIG AZZHOLE

(=>o) A F*CKN AZZ

The CRAZY RED-HEAD WHO IN:

2006-01-04T08:19:00.000-05:00

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... "duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March - Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm... car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!
What a year!!!

2005-12-31T20:37:00.000-05:00

THANK YOU...
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message. Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send at least 144,000 people 2 THIS SITE in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
~~starbender

Who says MEN DONT HAVE A SOFT SIDE?

2005-12-29T18:03:00.000-05:00

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

....................

Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display! She thought, this guy has a real sensitive nature, maybe hes the one! She turns to him. They kiss slowly.... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!!!"

CHINESE COUPLE

2005-12-28T07:05:00.000-05:00

Chinese couple get married
- and she's a virgin.
Truth be told he isn't too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets while her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time
and you berry frighten. I pomis you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure,
"I want to try somethin I have heard about .
Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..............
"You want. Beef wiff Broccori?"

MEN R JUST HAPPIER

2005-12-26T06:40:00.000-05:00

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest
when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time?
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

Sylvester Catches Tweety

2005-12-22T08:54:00.000-05:00

Watch closely - wow, what an ending!

Watch this until Sylvestor catches Tweety

...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down...

..
..
..

This was an idiot test!
How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds- remedial classes R nothing 2 B ashamed of
20-30 seconds- it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway.
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Ms. Helen Keller
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ.
To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

ahh.. What's up Doc?

AL JAZEERA T.V. GUIDE

2005-12-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

All shows brought 2 U by Texaco...!

"U can trust U'r Suburban 2 the man who wears the Turban!"

MONDAY:
0800-Husseinfeld
0900-Mad About Everything
0930-Monday Night Stoning
1000-Win Bin Laden's Money
1030-Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
0800-Wheel of Terror
0830-The Price is Right~If Osama Says So
0900-Children R Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
0930-Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
1000-Osama Who's U'r Mama?

WEDNESDAY:
0800-Tales from the Koran
0830-When Kurds Attack
0900-1,000,000 Things I Hate About You
0930-Just Shoot Them!
1000-Vielwatch
1100-This 'Ol Cave

THURSDAY:
0800-Fatima Loves Chachi
0830-M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900-Saddams' Island
0930-Married with 169 Children
1000-Eye 4 an Eyewitness News

FRIDAY:
0800-Spongeallah Squareturban
0830-Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900-TeleTalibans
1000-Camel 54, Where R U?
1100-My Favorite WMD
1200-Beat The Press

SATURDAY:
0800-Judge Jihad
0830-Suddenly Sanctions
0900-Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist?
0930-Better Caves & Gardens
1000-No Witness News

SUNDAY:
0800-My 333 Sons
0830-Osama Knows Best
0900-I Dream of Mohammed
0930-Let's Mecca Deal
1000-The Kabul Hillbillies
1100-The Christian Beheading Network
..

Life

2005-12-20T12:22:00.000-05:00

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mother always says." The teacher asked, "Really. And what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "a MINK on my back, a JAGUAR in the garage, a TIGER in the bed and a JACKASS to pay for it all." The teacher fainted.

Man Vs. Woman (in the Shower)

2005-12-19T03:48:00.000-05:00

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper,
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red!
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt .
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, your obviously SINGLE!!!

Have a great day! And, "woo woo" ! ! !