THANK YOU...
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message. Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send at least 144,000 people 2 THIS SITE in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
~~starbender

Who says MEN DONT HAVE A SOFT SIDE?

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

....................


Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers... carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!




It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display! She thought, this guy has a real sensitive nature, maybe hes the one! She turns to him. They kiss slowly.... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.



After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"


The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!!!"

CHINESE COUPLE

Chinese couple get married
- and she's a virgin.
Truth be told he isn't too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets while her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time
and you berry frighten. I pomis you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure,
"I want to try somethin I have heard about .
Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..............
"You want. Beef wiff Broccori?"

MEN R JUST HAPPIER

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest
when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time?
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

Sylvester Catches Tweety

Watch closely - wow, what an ending!

Watch this until Sylvestor catches Tweety

...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down...



..
..
..


This was an idiot test!
How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds- remedial classes R nothing 2 B ashamed of
20-30 seconds- it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway.
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Ms. Helen Keller
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ.
To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

ahh.. What's up Doc?

AL JAZEERA T.V. GUIDE

All shows brought 2 U by Texaco...!

"U can trust U'r Suburban 2 the man who wears the Turban!"

MONDAY:
0800-Husseinfeld
0900-Mad About Everything
0930-Monday Night Stoning
1000-Win Bin Laden's Money
1030-Allah McBeal


TUESDAY:
0800-Wheel of Terror
0830-The Price is Right~If Osama Says So
0900-Children R Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
0930-Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
1000-Osama Who's U'r Mama?

WEDNESDAY:
0800-Tales from the Koran
0830-When Kurds Attack
0900-1,000,000 Things I Hate About You
0930-Just Shoot Them!
1000-Vielwatch
1100-This 'Ol Cave

THURSDAY:
0800-Fatima Loves Chachi
0830-M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900-Saddams' Island
0930-Married with 169 Children
1000-Eye 4 an Eyewitness News

FRIDAY:
0800-Spongeallah Squareturban
0830-Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900-TeleTalibans
1000-Camel 54, Where R U?
1100-My Favorite WMD
1200-Beat The Press

SATURDAY:
0800-Judge Jihad
0830-Suddenly Sanctions
0900-Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist?
0930-Better Caves & Gardens
1000-No Witness News

SUNDAY:
0800-My 333 Sons
0830-Osama Knows Best
0900-I Dream of Mohammed
0930-Let's Mecca Deal
1000-The Kabul Hillbillies
1100-The Christian Beheading Network
..

Life

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mother always says." The teacher asked, "Really. And what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "a MINK on my back, a JAGUAR in the garage, a TIGER in the bed and a JACKASS to pay for it all." The teacher fainted.

Man Vs. Woman (in the Shower)

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper,
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red!
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt .
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, your obviously SINGLE!!!

Have a great day! And, "woo woo" ! ! !