ROCK of AGES...

TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad,
........don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. T
........hey always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just
.......yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
.........not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food.
......... I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder
.........what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
........from a rocking chair
............that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
.......but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age,
.......but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is ...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 16 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is ... having money.
At age 50 success is ... having money.
At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... having friends.
At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

The Very 1st. EVER-->Blonde GUY Joke

A REDHEAD, a BRUNETTE and a
BLONDE Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building. They were eating lunch and
the REDHEAD said, "Corned beef and cabbage,
If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off this building."
The BRUNETTE opened his lunch box
and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too."
The BLONDE opened his lunch and said,
" Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich
one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the REDHEAD opened
his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage,
and jumped to his death!
The BRUNETTE opened his lunch,
saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The BLONDE guy opened his lunch,
saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well!!!
At the funeral, the REDHEAD's wife
was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of
corned beef and cabbage,
I never would have given it to him again!"
The BRUNETTE's wife also wept and said,
"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the BLONDE's wife.
The BLONDE's wife said,
"Don't look at me,
HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH!!!

TEXAS DRINKING RULE~~~

A Mexican drinks his beer

and suddenly

throws his glass in the air,

pulls out his pistol and

shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses

are so cheap we don't need to

drink from the same glass twice."

An Arab, obviously impressed by this,

drinks his beer,

throws his glass into the air,

pulls out his AK-47 and

shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much

sand to make glasses that we don't

need to drink out of

the same glass twice either."

The Texas cowboy,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up his beer and drinks it,

throws his glass into the air,

pulls out his pistol and shoots

the Mexican and the Iraqi,

and catches his glass.

He says,

"In America we have so many

illegal Mexicans and Arabs

that we don't have to drink

with the same ones twice!"

God Bless America

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A male patient is lying
in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth
and nose, still
heavily sedated
from a difficult
four hour, surgical
procedure. A young
student nurse appears
to give him a
partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
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your upper body and feet." He struggles
to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals
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That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely....
R - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?