HEALTH QUESTION

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ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
.......can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,
....and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
....Everything wears out eventually.
...Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
...that's like saying you can extend the life of your car
...by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits
......and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
....What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
....And what are these? Vegetables.
....So a steak is nothing more than
.....an efficient mechanism
....of delivering vegetables to your system.
....Need grain? Eat chicken.
.....Beef is also a good source
...of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
...And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
...recommended daily allowance
....of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
...Brandy is distilled wine, that means
...they take the water out of the fruity bit
..so you get even more of the goodness that way.
...Beer is also made out of grain.~ Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat,
...your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,
....your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages
...of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
.....My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!...
...Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
...In fact, they're permeated in it.
..How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from
.....getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle,
...it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups
.....if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans!
..Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure,
..... explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
...Well, I hope this has cleared up
... any misconceptions you may have had
...about food and diets. And remember:
.."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
..with the intention of arriving safely
.. in an attractive and well preserved body,
...but rather to skid in sideways -
..Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
... body thoroughly used up,
... totally worn out and screaming
~~Whoo what a ride"!

How 2 Recalibrate U'r Mouse

+

--->> (This actually works pretty well) <<---

To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S.

Then drag the S toward the e.

If it doesn't work,

you might want to clean your mouse.

Stop farting around and

go do something constructivE

2 FUNNY

A man escapes from prison

where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house

to look for money and guns,

and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed

and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed

he gets on top of her,

kisses her neck,

then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there,

the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,

look at his clothes! He probably spent

lots of time in prison and hasn't

seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck.

"If he wants sex,

don't resist,

don't complain,

do whatever he tells you!

Satisfy him no matter

how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey.

I love you!"

To which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he's gay,

he thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline?

I told him it was in the bathroom!"

"Be strong honey.

I love you 2 !!!"

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her
and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out,
but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
"Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for
a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked,
"Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,
my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning.
"He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--
she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked:
"What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my

deepest condolences!”

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several
new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that
she has spent all the money on him because
she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests
the remainder in a joint account. She tells him
that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about
what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the

biggest boobs!
Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

The Next Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island

with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take

music or dance classes. There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids;

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework, complete science projects,

cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend"

bills with not enough money. In addition,

each man will have to budget in money for

groceries--> each week. Each man must

remember the birthdays of all their friends and

relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a

doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment

and a haircut appointment. He must make one

unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child

to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening,

on a holiday or right when they're about to leave

for vacation). He must also make cookies or

cupcakes for a social function. Each man will be

responsible for decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside and keeping it

presentable at all times.The men will only have

access to television when the kids are asleep

and all chores are done. There is only one TV

between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the

words to every stupid song that comes on TV and

the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily,

which they will apply to themselves either while

driving or making three lunches. Each man will

have to make an Indian hut model with six

toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a

4 year old to eat a serving of peas. Each man must

adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet

stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and

eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get

through each day without snot, spit-up or

barf on their clothing. During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe abdominal

cramps, back aches, and have extreme

unexplained mood swings, but never once

complain or slow down from other duties.

They must try to explain what a tampon is for

when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church,

and find time at least once to spend the afternoon

at the park or a similar setting. He will need to

read a book and then pray with the children each

night without falling asleep, and then feed them,

dress them, brush their teeth and comb

their hair each morning by 7:00.

They must leave the home with no food

on their face or clothes. A test will be given

at the end of the six weeks, and each father

will be required to know all of the following

information: each child'sbirthday, height,

weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length,

time of birth, and length of labor, each child's

favorite color, middle name, favorite snack,

favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy,

biggest fear and what they want to be when

they grow up. They must clean up after their

sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the

remainder of the day tending to that child

and waiting on them- hand and foot- until

they are better. They must have a loving,

age appropriate reply to, "You're not the

boss of me". The kids vote them off the island

based on performance. The last man wins

only if...he still has enough energy to be

intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game

over and over and over again for the next

18-25 years...eventually earning the right

to be called Mother!